better in time...

i find myself crying a lot lately...out of the blue...it's embarrassing when it happens in public...good thing, i'm ever so good at keeping tears at bay...still, at the end of the day, i cry...
the days are bearable, a lot of things keep me busy or amuse me momentarily but when i'm alone with my thoughts i tear up again...the nights are awful because everything is quiet and still and i am left all alone with nothing to occupy me, that's when i can't control the tears and i fall asleep crying...this has been going on for a week now...it's strange, although he made me cry before out of anger, frustration and hurt...my tears have never been this sad...or warm...it's like all the feelings i have for him are coming out of me slowly, and i am left exhausted...each teardrop has made me realize that what i felt was maybe more than infatuation...i don't know i just don't know...what's clear to me right now is that even thinking about him is painful...that although i know all will be well eventually, it does not lessen the ache...

Better In Time - Leona Lewis

Thank You...

Lately, I've been so down and self-centered, I forgot to be truly grateful...So, right now, I want to talk about what makes the world a little brighter for me...recently, my Beloved(more popularly known as God) who has already blessed me with quite a number of people to be grateful for decided to grant me more people to form "bonds" (as my darling, sasuke, would put it...hehehe) with and opportunity to strengthen old ones...

gosh, i seem to be at a loss for words now as to how i'm going to go about thanking all these people...i think i'm gonna start crying any minute now...let me just mention a few, during the first half of this year they've helped kept me sane whether they knew it or not:

mitsuki: I can't begin to explain how much this gal has kept me sane...when i truly needed someone to eat, talk and walk away my blues she was there...she stayed with me through out a sleepless night and listened to me chatter non-stop over a single issue...sheesh, i was like a broken record...:D

hime: partner in crime and phone pal...another person who kept vigil with me when i was extremely down...we were down together...hehehe...

pink: she put up with my constant bugging and begging for her company...XD

misaki-nee: i think i found another kindred spirit...i never really thought she'd give me the time of day but she did...then, i never really thought we'd go beyond talking bout anime and manga but we did...i find myself smiling when i remember her because i can't believe we're friends now(i'm so presumptuous, i've claimed her as my friend without her consent...hehehe

Last Excuse

For as long as I can remember I've been haunted by the melody of a particular song. It's a very nostalgic song;it makes you think of all your "debts" and weep in despair...lol

seriously, it's a lovely song and even though i first, heard it in japanese and couldn't understand a single word the song still got through to me and i have never forgotten it since...the melody was bitter sweet and filled with longing..so when i found the english translation of the lyrics i wasn't so surprised that it was heartwrenching...here it is:

It’s so painful pretending to be asleep now
The drops that fall are tears
And you’ll wait for the dawn and then go
Because it’s you who’s afraid of the dark

The thing that’s most precious to me has become the furthest away
I knew you so well, and now it’s all a memory

I think everyone likes you
I’ll miss you, you don’t need to worry about that
What makes it so painful
Is the fact that you think you’re doing me a favour by saying goodbye

You’re the closest to me, and yet the hardest to understand
I loved you so much, and now it’s all an excuse

The thing that’s most precious to me has become the furthest away
I knew you so well, and now it’s all a memory

It’s all a memory

You’re the closest to me, and yet the hardest to understand
I loved you so much, and now it’s all an excuse

The thing that’s most precious to me has become the furthest away
You’re the closest to me, and yet the hardest to understand
The thing that’s most precious to me has become the furthest away

the lyrics are as beautiful as the melody...this by the way is so rare with songs nowadays...i'm grateful for oldies like these...it has a lot of version but my fave would always be the japanese one...XD

anyways, i'm a little mad at myself right now...i hate it when i'm like this, i'm screamin at myself to GET OVER IT but i'm so stubborn and maybe a little deaf when it comes to getting over stuff..i've decided to let it be and avoid all things related to this situation maybe i'll get over it faster...XD

gambarre to me!!

outside the glass...

once more, i find myself frightened of emotions...scared of trusting people...it's heartbreaking how the fear paralyzes me and makes me wish i still had my reliable glass shield...the one i purposely took out by myself because i missed being scorched by the sun and being bitten by the cold...
i want to live my life again in the glass, inside looking out...frozen, unperturbed...it was cold, definitely, but i was safe; it was lonely but i was secure...the solitude was a comfort and the silence a blessing...inside the glass, i could still feel the warmth of the sun without suffering from the heat and be refreshed by the cold without getting bitten by it...i could be happy without getting too attached and be sad without getting too disturbed...i was still able to know people without letting them have the power to hurt me...
i don't like what is happening right now...when things like this happen the things i hate about myself emerges, and i find myself becoming someone i don't like...that's why i try very hard to not be someone i can't bear looking at in the mirror...but sometimes i fall from grace and do things im not proud of...even if i eventually get over that, it still takes a toll on me...i feel drained afterwards....i feel so hurt right now...and as irrational as it sounds, i feel betrayed...
it's so difficult being around people and their emotions...why do i easily get influenced or affected by other people's feelings? why am i so sensitive?is it because im not used to the assault on my feelings, that's why im easy prey...why am i so weak against emotions...it's a good thing my sanity is still intact at least i can rely on it to keep me on the ground and level-headed most of the time...nevertheless, at this very moment,i feel heavy and burdened and there were times i succumbed to the pressure..these times are the worst, i feel so low...i hate it!!!T.T

how i miss my glass world...i wasn't vulnerable inside it...

not to be...

Gomen ne...

i am sorry...so sorry for always being a failure..so sorry for always being a disappointment...i am so tired of myself...each passing day i loathe myself even more...especially when i fail again...each failure kills me...slowly...excruciatingly...i die over and over again...i can no longer look at myself in the mirror...i am filled with shame and self-hatred...everyday the burden of my existence gets heavier...

i seem to be bent on destroying myself...

i am a coward...and i'm really sorry...my only consolation is that i will no longer be here to cause any of you problems or frustrations...no longer shall i make you suffer...

i just wanna sleep and let everything go because it hurts and hurts until i am numb...because then i shall not see anyone suffering or looking at me in pity, in frustration, in annoyance and in pain...i am hopeless, it is second nature for me to choose the wrong path,for awhile, i'll be okay and do the right thing...i'll attend class, do all the things expected of me...then, i'll feel down again, i'll want to run away from everything, from myself, i'll do everything that amuses me and diverts my attention and for awhile it works until i can no longer take it and that's when i lock myself in my room or refuse to leave the house or just sleep all my worries away...it becomes so unbearable i think i want to sleep forever...then somebody comes to make me feel like there is hope again and i'll be okay but after awhile the torments return and i repeat all my mistakes.. i have imprisoned myself in a cage of my own making.. i have forgotten how to get out of it and i wonder if i really want to because everything in this cage is so familiar...the vicious cycle continues...it is so tiring; i am getting sick of myself...

winter in my heart: thawing

how swiftly and briefly winter came...even though it seemed like it'd go on forever...i thought my heart would break from the cold although i felt invulnerable then because winter's chill has numbed me of all feeling, somehow i was more sad too...but now it has begun to fade...and as the cold which shielded me from all pain ebbs away, i start to feel pain more and more...because in my head, i recall over and over again all the things that hurt, all the things he said and did...then i find myself crying again as i did that first night of winter...and i wonder if now that thaw has begun paving the way for spring, does it mean that i'll be happy again? will this thawing towards spring be my redemption from all this pain? or will it be my final destruction?...

winter in my heart

i want to cry. i want to scream. i wanna say how could you but i don't have the right to...i don't even think i have the right to be hurt right now and crying makes me even more pathetic... i no longer want to be pathetic; but, when i think of him there is only pain, and suddenly tears fall from my weary eyes until i have shed all of them and my heart has become numbed from the pain. For some reason though, that makes me even more sad because inside i feel empty and cold. i feel as though winter has come into my heart. it is harsh and barren, blisteringly chilling, unbending and stubborn. i think of him and my heart freezes...